


drowning in our own mistakes

by zelophobia (agateophobia)



Category: Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Caring, Dark, During Canon, F/M, Flowers, Hanahaki Disease, Light Angst, Unrequited Love, or at least just a bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-01 07:36:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20254540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agateophobia/pseuds/zelophobia
Summary: Love. Such a powerful thing. There are legends of how unrequited love can tear you to shreds and leave you for dead.Norrington has the Hanahaki disease and doesn't know what to do about it. He knows it’s Elizabeth, his unrequited love, but he can’t help but continue to care for her.





	1. Chapter 1

Being a sailor had some benefits. Such as hearing about legends from across oceans. If he had not heard about this one particular legend, James Norrington may have passed out from the shock of coughing up flower petals. 

Unrequited love. How comical. 

He rinsed his mouth and chucked the flowers in the bin as a knock sounded from the door. James opened the door and nodded his head when he recognised the person knocking as a lieutenant. 

“What is it?” James asked. 

“It’s an emergency, Governor Swann is requesting you.” 

Straight away, James rushed out of the room and darted to his office. He discovered a dishevelled Swann, whose attention was fixated on his sleeves. 

“What happened?” James asked Swann. 

“It’s Elizabeth! She’s been kidnapped!” Swann cried, trembling. 

James froze. Elizabeth, the girl he loved (who obviously didn’t love him back) and who had a run-in with Sparrow, was kidnapped by pirates. James wanted to sail out to sea and chase down every last pirate until she was found. However, acting rash would certainly get someone killed and James didn’t want that someone to be Elizabeth. 

“Get my crew together,” James said, his attention on the lieutenant, who nodded and hurried out of the room. 

“Don’t worry, Governor Swann. We will get Elizabeth back as quickly as possible.” 

James was planning out their strategy on a map when he heard footsteps approaching him. 

“They’ve taken her! They’ve taken Elizabeth.” 

_ Oh Turner, a step too late, _James thought, his attention fixated on the more important task at hand: the map. 

“Mr Murtogg, remove this man,” he muttered. Murtogg stepped over to Turner. 

Turner cried. “We have to hunt them down! We must save her-!” 

“And where do you propose we start?” Swann asked. “If you have any information concerning my daughter, please share it.” 

The area was quiet for a moment. 

“That Jack Sparrow,” Murtogg said. James looked up. “He talked about the Black Pearl-” 

“Mentioned it, is more what he did,” Mullroy interrupted. 

Bloody pirates. James returned his attention to the map. Sparrow wasn’t going to help save Elizabeth so he didn’t need to waste his energy caring about him. Turner, on the other hand, thought otherwise. 

“Ask him where it is. Make a deal with him, he could lead us to it.” 

James was tired of Turner’s rash thinking. 

“No. The pirates who invaded this fort left Sparrow locked in his cell, ergo they are _ not _ his allies.” 

James turned his attention to Swann. “Governor, we will establish their most likely course-” 

A slam. Will smashed his boarding axe into the table, stabbing through the map. 

“That’s not good enough!” 

James sighed, pulling the boarding axe from the table. 

“Mr Turner,” he said, moving over to him. “You’re not a military man, you’re not a sailor. You’re a blacksmith.” 

James shoved Turner. “And this is not the moment for rash actions.” He lowered his voice. “Do not make the mistake of thinking you’re the only man who cares for Elizabeth.” 

For a moment, James remembered the flower petals in the bathroom and the other petals that were growing in his lungs. 

Maybe Turner had them too. 

Bearing in mind the way Turner was acting: the urgency to save Elizabeth and considering rash actions in order to do so, he probably didn’t have them. Because Turner had an actual reason to find Elizabeth. And if he did, Turner would be rewarded with love. James only had his fondness of Elizabeth, and the knowledge that she didn’t share it. 

James stepped away from Turner and continued finalising the navy’s course of action. 

Bloody pirates. And bloody Turner too. Just bloody ‘Captain’ Jack Sparrow. Somehow Sparrow had managed to steal the HMS Interceptor and disable the HMS Dauntless, as well as drag Turner along. By the time the Dauntless was in working order, they were way behind the Interceptor. 

James ordered for the Navy to keep the Dauntless in check and the captain to keep sailing forward. Once the whole crew was sorted, James ducked out to consult the map. 

He poured over the map and marked out all the Black Pearl’s possible course when his chest ached and his throat dried up. He bent over and coughed out more flower petals, frowning when he saw that the petals carried a few drops of blood. James shoved the petals into his pocket and wiped away the blood off the floor. 

Once all evidence of his disease was gone, he focused back onto the map. 

_ I’m going to die, _ James thought, his face forming another frown. He scrambled his memory to try and remember exactly what the legends said about this disease. The only way that this disease could be cured was if James’ feelings were returned. 

_ But I don’t want to force Elizabeth to love me. I don’t know what to do… _

Instead of pondering over how his life would end, James returned his attention to the map. 

Days passed and a simple break from analysing the map, which was only meant to last for a few minutes, turned into hours of James staring into the deep ocean. He couldn’t keep his mind off the flowers that were currently growing in his lungs. He was slowly suffocating to death due to love. Poetic yet depressing. The smell of something wafted over him, distracting him. 

Smoke. 

James looked up to the horizon to see a huge pillar of smoke emitting from one of the tiny islands that littered the skyline. A signal. 

“Turn the ship to port!” James cried, marching up to the helm. “Turn the ship to port!” 

He rushed to the quarterdeck and leaned over the railing to get a better look at the situation. A huge smoke signal drifted from the tiny island, burning a third of its foliage. There were two people on the island but from this distance it was hard to make them out. 

God, he hoped that wasn’t Elizabeth stranded on the tiny island. 

At this point, the Dauntless sailed close enough that James could make out the two figures: Sparrow and… Elizabeth, unfortunately. James wasn’t even going to ask why she was stranded on an island with that pirate, he was just glad that she was safe. The crew quickly hoisted Elizabeth and Sparrow onto the Dauntless. 

Governor Swann walked over to Elizabeth and hugged her, with Sparrow and James looking over. Once their reunion was over, Swann explained that they were to return to Port Royal. 

“But we’ve got to save Will!” Elizabeth cried. 

Swann shook his head. “No! You’re safe now. We will return to Port Royal immediately, not go gallivanting after pirates-” 

“Then we condemn him to death!” 

“The boy’s fate is regrettable… but then, so is his decision to engage in piracy,” Swann said. 

“To rescue me! To prevent anything from happening to me!” Elizabeth cried. 

James flinched, ever so slightly. Will’s motivation was truly to save Elizabeth. And Elizabeth also wanted to do the same to Will. That simply left James casted to the side, slowly dying from his unrequited love and motivation to protect Elizabeth. His chest ached, and he imagined the flowers pushing into his lungs. 

Sparrow spoke up. “If I may be so bold as to inject my professional opinion. ...The Pearl was listing near to scuppers after the battle. It’s very unlikely she’ll be able to make good time. Think about it. The Black Pearl… the last real pirate threat in the Caribbean, mate. How can you pass that up, right?” 

If James was an ordinary civilian, he may have considered that, but he was not. James was a commodore. And he was not going to listen to Sparrow, even if he might have been part of the reason that Elizabeth was safe. 

“By remembering that I serve others, Mr Sparrow, not only myself.” 

James turned around, but was brought back to the conversation by Elizabeth’s next words: 

“Commodore, I beg you, please do this… for me. As a wedding gift.” 

A pause. He could feel petals in his throat. 

Elizabeth was willing to marry him in favour of rescuing the man she truly loved: Will. 

“Elizabeth… are you accepting the Commodore’s proposal?” Swann asked. 

She nodded. “I am.” 

James tried to swallow the petals, but found that they were stuck in his throat. He instead opted to take a breath, but that was proven to fail. 

“A wedding! I love weddings! Drinks all around!” Sparrow cried. James shoved the petals in the side of his mouth and took a deep breath, regaining all the air he’d lost in that moment of shock. The unintentional glare caused Sparrow to tone down. 

“I know, ‘clap him in irons’, right?” 

“Mr Sparrow. You will accompany these fine men to the helm and provide us with a bearing to Isla de Muerta. You will then spend the rest of the voyage contemplating all possible meanings of the phrase ‘silent as the grave’. Do I make myself clear?” James said. It was a miracle he didn’t suddenly choke of the petals. 

Sparrow gave him a look. “Inescapably clear.” 

Murtogg and Mullroy escorted Sparrow away and James felt like he could drop his demeanour. He spat the petals over the railing before walking over to Elizabeth. Just as he’s about to reach her, Swann approached him. 

“Commodore, I must question the wisdom of this.” 

“With all due respect, Governor,” James said. “Mr Turner is a subject of the British crown, and therefore under my protection.” 

Swann looked uneasy with his words but still nodded at him. “Rightly so.” He then looked over at Elizabeth. “Take care of her.” 

James nodded with a smile as Swann walked away. He then looked over at Elizabeth, extending his arm out. 

“Miss Swann,” he said. Elizabeth took his arm and the two strolled over to the railing. He knew where Elizabeth’s heart was, it was with Will. Despite that, James wanted to make sure that Elizabeth knew and received his acceptance. There was no way he was going to force Elizabeth to fall for him, so James wanted to make sure that she was happy with Will. 

“Despite accepting my proposal, it seems to be that your intentions lie with another,” James said. Elizabeth pressed her lips together and looked away. 

“And because of that, you can call off the proposal to fully be with this person.” 

Elizabeth looked up at his words, mouth opened. “Are you sure about that?” 

James nodded. He was in love with Elizabeth, and even if she didn’t love him, he was still going to keep loving her until his death. And he was going to use all the power that he had to make sure Elizabeth was happy. That was all he needed, really. 

“You’ve become a fine man, James,” Elizabeth said. 

For a moment, James couldn’t feel the flowers pushing into the lungs and closing his throat. A childish smile escaped from his military demeanour and he felt like he wasn’t bound by the uniform. He was freed from all his worries. 

“...Thank you.” 

Elizabeth smiled back and stepped away. James nodded and turned his attention to the deep ocean. The feeling of the flowers in his chest returned and he let go of his smile. 

-

Somehow, the battle between the British Navy and the pirates of the Black Pearl ended with their victory. All the mariners started cheering, their muskets pointed at the pirates. Even Swann was cheering with the mariners, although James had no idea where he had come from. The cheering was adorable though. 

It didn’t distract James from the knowledge that this battle had caused him to become very light-headed. The flowers were starting to restrict his airflow. 

While his crew were organising the pirates and cleaning up the mess atop the ship, James ducked down into the sleeping quarters, grabbing a flask of water on the way. No matter how much James would force himself to breathe, he still wasn’t able to take a deep breath. He sat down on a bed and coughed up a couple petals before taking a swing of the water. 

James closed his eyes, kept his posture straight, and took a deep breath. It was quite hard and he felt like he was drowning, but he managed to even his breathing. James took another swing at the flask. Closing his eyes once more, James only focused on maintaining his breathing patterns until he escaped the feeling of light-headedness. 

With the swaying of the ship and the relaxing he was doing, James slipped into a deep sleep. 

Jack’s scheduled hanging was interrupted by Will, and so James chased and pointed his sword at Will. 

“I thought we might have to endure some ill-conceived manner of escape attempt. But not from you.” 

Governor Swann spoke up, “On our return to Port Royal I granted you clemency, and this is how you thank me? By throwing in your lot with him? He is a pirate!” 

“And a good man.” Will tossed his sword to the side. “If all I have achieved here is that the hangman will earn two pairs of boots instead of one ... So be it. At least my conscience will be clear.” 

“You forget your place, Turner,” James said. 

Will gave him a small smile. “It’s right here, between you and Jack.” 

Elizabeth marched towards Will, placing herself firmly with the pirates. 

“As is mine.” 

“Elizabeth,” Swann said, who glanced around at the weapons pointed towards the three. “Lower your weapons. For goodness sake, put them down!” 

James glanced at Gillette, who gestured for the Navy to put their weapons down. And so, they did. 

He could feel the flowers pressing against his lungs and James took a deep breath in case if he didn’t have another chance. Elizabeth looked so comfortable standing beside Will, and he guessed Jack too. His throat was dried up and James turned his head so he could cough. 

A whole flower, stained with blood, too (which also stained his hand). James put his hand down and focused his attention on the more pressing matter. 

“So, this is where your heart lies,” James said. It was more of a statement, even though Elizabeth took it as a question. 

“It is,” she said. James nodded. Even though he was in love with her, it was still hard to say goodbye. At least she wouldn’t be around for James' death. 

He noticed that Jack was looking up and smiling. James wasn’t that worried about what it meant, though. Jack waltzed over to Swann. 

“Well, I'm actually feeling rather good about this. I think we've all arrived at a very special place, eh? Spiritually, ecumenically, grammatically…” 

Swann leaned back away from Jack. It was quite hilarious. Jack then strolled over to James. 

“I want you to know that I was rooting for you, mate. Know that.” 

“No need,” James said. It caught Jack off guard, which was a weird thing to be proud of. It didn’t stop Jack from approaching Elizabeth. 

“Elizabeth,” he said. Elizabeth turned around. “It would never have worked between us, darling. I'm sorry.” 

Jack then turned his attention to Will. 

“Will… Nice hat.” 

Jack sprung up the steps to the wall and James chased after him, his sword at the ready. 

“Friends! This is the day you will always remember as the day that y-” Jack tripped and plunged over the edge of the wall and tumbled down into the water. James rushed to look over the wall. 

“Idiot, he has nowhere to go but back to the noose,” Gillette said. But this was Jack, he probably had a plan and if not, he was making one. And honestly, James wasn’t mad about the execution being foiled. 

“Sail ho!” Someone yelled. James looked across the ocean to see the Black Pearl in all its glory, coming to rescue Jack.


	2. Chapter 2

As everyone watched Jack swim to the ship, James glanced down at the flower crushed in his hand. 

_ My time might be coming, _ he thought. _ May as well start acting rash. Or at least act a little like a pirate since it served the others so well. _

James looked up and watched as the Black Pearl started sailing away. He smiled. 

“What’s your plan of action?” Gillette asked, his attention drawn to James when he didn’t respond. “Sir?” 

James felt speechless again. He didn’t really know how to act rash, and this felt like the best time to do so. 

“Perhaps on the rare occasion when pursuing the right course demands an act of piracy, piracy itself can be the right course,” Swann said. He’d taken the words right out of his mouth, and for once James was glad. 

James nodded and turned away from the wall to face Will and Elizabeth. 

“Mr Turner,” he said. Will looked at him, but was held back by Elizabeth. 

“I will accept the consequences of my actions,” Will said to Elizabeth, which prompted her to let him go. James lifted his sword up to Will, remembering that it was Will who had made it. That thought inspired his next few words. 

“This is a beautiful sword. I would expect the man who made it to show the same care and devotion in every aspect of his life.” 

An acceptance of their love. The flowers pushed against his lungs and caused his chest to ache. He didn’t know what was going to happen to him, but at the very least James needed to make sure that Will and Elizabeth were happy. 

“Thank you.” 

James nodded and turned away, resisting the urge to place his hand on his chest when his lungs continued to ache. 

“Commodore? What about Sparrow?” Gillette. 

_ Ha! Jack. _ James smiled. 

“Oh, I think we can afford to give him one day’s head start.” 

He then walked away. 

\- 

It turned out that giving Jack a day’s head start was not the wisest of ideas. 

James had been running around giving orders because _ there was a bloody hurricane _ , and he thus had become very light-headed. But because of the _ literal hurricane _not even that far away, James ignored this feeling of dizziness and continued doing his job. 

He’d spotted Gillette and tried to talk to him but instead started coughing. Truth to be told, he hadn’t thought much of Elizabeth, which was probably a good thing since he wasn’t dead yet from his disease. James could taste the flower petals in his mouth but he didn’t want to start vomiting flowers because then more people would freak out so he tried to swallow them but that just blocked his throat even more. He opted to try breathing, but even that proved to fail. 

With his hands up to his throat, James lost his balance and collapsed to the floor. 

When James opened his eyes, the sun was shining and the ocean was littered with the remains of the Interceptor. To his shock, he could see the bodies of some crewmen. James turned to the ocean and vomited, appalled by the sight of more flower petals. Not knowing what to do, James collapsed back onto the driftwood. 

Somehow, a small merchant ship was sailing by and spotted the mess of James’ mistakes (the shipwreck, not the petals), and helped him aboard. 

Once the crew of this ship had given him food and other important remedies, they asked him for his desired destination. 

“The nearest port, please,” James said. They all looked at each other with pressed lips. 

“Are you sure, sir?” one of them asked. James nodded; his eyebrows furrowed. 

“What’s so bad about this nearest port?” 

They all looked at each other again and murmured amongst themselves. 

“…The nearest port is Tortuga,” another said. 

James expected worse. “Well, I wouldn’t mind a drink. Please, drop me off at Tortuga.” 

Against their better judgement, the crew of this ship made way to sail to Tortuga. 

The next few days and months began blurring together until he didn’t know how long it had been since he had lost everything. 

The alcohol relieved his worries and eased the feeling of the flowers. That didn’t stop him from coughing up flowers though. 

Blood became a common sight for him, along with the scent of rum. 

Some random night he was running around and inhaling all the alcohol like he normally did, when James imagined Elizabeth. Sweet, lovely Elizabeth. She would be disgusted by the sight of him. James’ throat filled up with petals and he took a swing of rum. He could barely see straight and all that he was focused on was the loud tavern music and the swaying that he couldn’t stop. 

Just as he started coughing up these petals, his senses disappeared and he passed out. 

When he awoke, his chest ached but it was a different kind of aching. James ripped open his shirt and found many messy scars that littered over his chest. It was still red. James took a deep breath and froze when his lungs filled with air. He hadn’t felt like that since before he had fallen in love with Elizabeth. 

Through the pounding headache, James looked across from him and saw a box labelled with ‘for the navy man - don’t thank me for saving your life’. He sat up and opened the box, freezing yet again when he spotted the all too familiar bundle of flowers that laid in the box. Someone had taken out the flowers out of his lungs. 

James stood up, his legs shaking and the hangover stabbing through his brain. His hand reached out for a bottle but found nothing. 

“New policy, bud,” someone said. “No drinks are served until after twelve.” 

James glared at the bartender and sighed, but with a heavy heart, stepped outside of the tavern. The sun hurt his eyes and the awful smell that washed over Tortuga made James wish he was back inside, but there was no purpose to stick around in a tavern that didn’t sell drinks. 

With shaky legs, James walked over to the ocean. As he did, he found that breathing was so much easier. The feeling of filling his lungs with air felt so nice and James realised how much he had missed it. 

The fact that his disease was gone didn’t stop James from drinking to his heart’s content. He had still lost everything else in his life. 

He took a swing from a bottle and looked across the tavern, spotting a familiar face: Gibbs. James heard bits of Gibbs’ conversation with the other tavern goers, something about joining his crew. If Gibbs was here and expanding his crew, then Jack was probably here too. James looked around and spotted the aforementioned pirate staring at his compass. 

_ That broken thing. _

Something came over James, and he walked over to Gibbs. 

“And what’s your story?” Gibbs asked, not realizing that the man who stood in front of him was once familiar. 

“My story…” he said, and Gibbs nodded. “It's exactly the same as your story, just one chapter behind. I chased a man across the Seven Seas. The pursuit cost me my crew, my commission, and my life.” He snagged a bottle of rum that sat on the table and drank it. 

At that moment, Gibbs recognised him. “_Commodore_?” 

“No, not anymore, weren’t you _ listening_?” James hissed. He leaned forward, placing the bottle back on the table. “I nearly had you all, off Tripoli. I would have, if not for the hurricane.” For a moment he remembered that he had collapsed during that moment and awoke surrounded by flower petals. That was no more, though. 

“Lord. You didn’t try to sail through it?” he asked, his eyes widening. 

“So, do I make your crew, or not?” James said. His tone of voice caused Gibbs to back down in fear. It felt nice to have power again. “You haven’t said where you’re going. Somewhere nice!” 

He then flipped the table. 

James gestured towards the rest of the tavern goers, throwing his arms out. “So, am I _ worthy _ to serve under Captain Jack Sparrow?” 

He looked around for the pirate and spotted him sneaking away behind some plants. James pointed his pistol at him. “Or should I just kill you now?” 

Jack smiled and moved around, trying to throw James off, who had his pistol fixated on the pirate. After a few tries, Jack gave up. 

“You’re hired.” 

James tilted his head and smiled. 

“Sorry. Old habits and all that.” 

It was to no surprise that the tavern fight ended with James being thrown in with the pigs. He laid still, feeling the mud coating his whole body and pigs sniffing him. 

This is what his life had come to. How glamorous. 

A person walked up to him, but James made no effort on moving. As he was lifted up, James was met with the sight of Elizabeth Swann. The woman he had fallen in love with. 

“James Norrington.” 

But instead of the usual heart fluttering feeling that James was used to, he was met with a deep emptiness. Like his heart had been carved out and what was left was a gaping hole. He was drained of all emotions and the only thing he could process was that he was no longer in love with her. 

And then after his conundrum, he realised that Elizabeth was in _ Tortuga, _ of all places. How did she end up there? 

“What has the world done to you?” she asked. 

_ Everything, _ James thought. 

Once aboard the Black Pearl, James focused on scrubbing the deck as he waited for Elizabeth to left alone. When her attention was focused onto the sprawling waves and no one else’s, he slipped down to grab the contents of his box before making his way to her. 

“Love. Such a powerful thing,” James said. She glanced at him when he started talking but resumed her focus to the ocean. 

“There are legends of how unrequited love can tear you to shreds and leave you for dead.” 

She looked at him properly, and it was hard not missing the regret and pity in her eyes. It was also hard not feeling the void of emotions when James looked at her. He wasn’t sure what was better: feeling too much or feeling nothing at all. 

“James, I’m sorry-” 

He shook his head. “I gave you my acceptance. On top of that, I’m standing here, alive and well- or as well as a drunk man can be.” 

She still didn’t lose the regret in her eyes. It compelled him to continue. 

“There is a Japanese legend. It states that a flower can be born from unrequited love. This flower grows in the lungs of the person and continues to grow until either the love is requited or the person suffocates. And also, the person will cough up flower petals, or sometimes whole flowers. It’s kinda painful after a while,” he said. She looked guilty at this knowledge. 

“But I never requited our love. James…” she said. “Am I killing you!?” 

He shook his head again. “The thing is, I didn’t want to force you to fall in love with me as you were happy with Will. And I didn’t know what to do so I just let life take its course. Maybe I would die, but I was okay with it. I was going to die anyways, might as well have some choice in it. But while spending some time in Tortuga, a… miracle you might say, happened.” 

He then pulled the flowers out from behind his back. She gasped. 

“Turns out there’s a third way to escape this fate: surgery,” James said, gesturing for Elizabeth to take the flowers. “Since I don’t really know what to do with these flowers, I would like to give them to you. Because of this disease, you might have been the last person that I have fallen in love with. But... I’m glad it was you.” 

She took the flowers, tears glimmering in her eyes. 

“James…” 

“It’s okay. Just know that I still care for you, even if I don’t love you anymore.” 

He then walked away, keeping a single flower for himself. 

-

James, fitted with a fine uniform, stepped into Beckett’s office. 

“Ah, Admiral,” Beckett said. The title ‘admiral’ still felt unusual, since he had more of an emotional connection to ‘commodore’. 

“You summoned me, Lord Beckett.” 

“So, I did. I have a little something for you there,” he said, then glanced at James’ uniform. “I thought I told you to get rid of that flower.” 

He shook his head. 

“...Hanahaki,” James said softly. 

A nod. 

“Mmhm, love. Since you no longer love Sparrow then I assume you’ll better co-operate with me. Your new station deserves an old friend.” 

James didn’t even react to Beckett’s mistaken assumption, instead approaching the case. The shape was familiar, and perfect to fit a sword. He knew it was the one that Will crafted even before he opened the case. James unsheathed the blade, hearing it ring out. Guilt rushed over him. 

“The Brethren know they face extinction. All that remains is for them to decide where they will make their final stand.” 

Losing his feelings did not mean that he switched sides. James was in the wrong place after all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could keep writing until his death but then I feel like it would just be a series of ‘welp, i’m not in love with elizabeth anymore but i still care for her ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯’ and ‘damn i’m a black hole of emotions’ and also i don’t wanna write his death scene, thx


End file.
